Simon Cowell for Defense Secretary

While I like our President well enough, I can't say I'm particularly enamored of his Secretary of Defense.
Wait, that's too weak.
I believe that he should be named the chairman of Ford, Chevy, and Chrysler, because there's never been a used car salesman born who could out-lie Uncle Rumsfeld.
But unlike the game-plan in Iraq, where we dumped one despot only to create this enormous despotism vacuum, I have a plan for 'ol Rumpots replacement.
I give you Simon Cowell.
Yes, the kindhearted escapee from a Dale Carnegie course who appears eighteen times a week on American Idol.
While some people might be uncomfortable with his direct style, I think he would be the perfect guy to lead our troops.
First, there wouldn't be any pussy-footing around. You would never have to worry about what he’s REALLY thinking.
"Hey, Iran, I think you suck and I'm not impressed. Really, appalling."
There would be no questions about where we stand with North Korea.
"Kim Jung Il, you're a fuzzy headed little moron, and I don't care what Paula says."
He would have some good advice for the folks in France and Germany.
"You need to do a better job of picking your songs, and try sticking with a song once you choose it. You're just not good enough for this level of competition."
Of course, Russia would run right out and hire Randy Jackson as their diplomatic envoy.
"Yeah, but yo, comrade dawg, you just need to be keeping it real."
(I know, it doesn’t make any sense, but it’s still more intelligible than the vacillating communiqués coming out of the Kremlin these days.)
At least, if we were permitted to follow the American Idol formula of voting on our cell phones, we would get a chance to have a say in how things turn out.
My only fear would be Ryan Seacrest landing a job as the White House Press Secretary.
Yes, there is someone more annoying than Scott McClellan.
Peace out, ‘dawg!