Food-O-Nauts

America is known for blazing new trails and riding the cutting edge of all things trendy and chic.
But while everyone knows the name of the first man to walk on the moon (Lance Armstrong, wasn’t it?), no one remembers the pioneers of the palate.
I’m talking about the brave souls who were the first to partake of certain culinary delights, with the survivors helping usher in a whole new world of tasty treats.
For example, you know that somebody had to be the first to grab the mammary glands of a large, ugly critter, squeeze it until white liquid came out, then turn it into a breakfast staple.
(I’ve often wondered what prehistoric man put on his cereal before milk was discovered.)
And how did we settle on cows as the primary source of milk?
Almost all female mammals have the ability to produce milk.
Why isn’t Haagen Dazs ice cream made of horse milk? Or platypus milk?
I think that the person who finally made cow’s milk the dairy standard should be recognized, or at least have a Ben and Jerry’s flavor named after him.
Then consider the myriad choices for meats.
Americans have expressed their preference for beef, (it’s what’s for dinner, according to the Beef Industry ads), chicken, pork, and fish.
Why don’t you see any Alabama Fried Possum fast food places, featuring a bucket of the deep-fried marsupial prepared with the Lieutenant’s secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices?
Somewhere in the history of the species, someone with a fast club decided that one of those three-pound flying-impaired feather bearers would make a good take-out product.
Why isn’t he memorialized in the annals of culinary lore?
Then there was the guy, alive before Jesus’s time, who was sitting on a fence one day watching a filthy, curly-tailed critter eat its own feces and decided that it was exactly what was missing from his lettuce and tomato sandwich on toasted bread.
For over 2000 years, we’ve been ignoring the professionals at our nearest Jewish deli and insisting on adding a dozen different thinly-sliced versions of this on rye.
And how about the very first guy who test-tasted wine?
I can just hear his buddy the monk explaining the production of this libation.
“See, what we’re gonna do is take these grapes, stomp all over them with muddy feet, (monks weren’t known for good podiatric care), put the squishy mess into these half-rotted wooden casks that we previously used for our semi-annual baths, then let it sit in the dark for a few years. Wanna try some?”
Of course, to me, the ultimate hero of nutrition has got to be the guy who discovered that eggs were good to eat.
The first Neanderthal daring to whip up an omelette after watching where that egg came from is far braver than Superman, John Wayne, and Evel Knievel all rolled into one.
And there’s not even a Las Vegas casino restaurant named after him.