Apocalyptic TV

Published in the Desert Valley Times
April 26, 2005

I’m always on the lookout for signs of the impending Apocalypse, or the fiery end of time.
Usually, my window of impending doom sits no further away than the entertainment center in my living room, home of the 21st Century golden idol, also known as the television.
Some of the “signs” are easy to find.
War, famine, drought, pestilence, and even locusts can be found 24 hours a day on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News, along with the regular menu of catastrophe and calamity on the three network news broadcasts, sandwiched between ads for Enzyte male enhancement supplements and Old Navy come-ons for tunic tops.
But to find the deeper portents of impending Armageddon, you have to spin the channel a little further.
Many of the warning signs can be seen in prime time, where man’s inhumanity to man has become prime time viewing.
They call it “reality TV.”
With shows like “Survivor,” “The Amazing Race,” and a slew of other programs which pit humans against other humans in death-defying scenarios, you know it’s just a matter of time before one of the shows cash in on the big money jackpot of videotaping someone getting killed.
We’ve degenerated into a parody of the Roman Empire, where it was considered sport and entertainment to throw Christians to the Lions.
(Here’s a sports recap for you…Christians 1, Lions 8,492).
But we’ve gone a step beyond.
The Romans would just throw you to the Lions.
On “Fear Factor,” they’ll throw you to the worms.
And the fish guts, and the pig’s blood.
I’m sure that championship nose-picking is just around the corner.
(We interrupt this diatribe for a word from our sponsor. This is Bob. Bob has a big smile because he takes a pill that enhances his sexual equipment and endurance. Be like Bob. Buy pills.)
Then I caught a show I hadn’t seen before.
It’s known as “CJ,” or by the official title “Celebrity Justice.”
Yes folks, it’s evidence that we’ve reached the bottom of the barrel.
This is a TV magazine show dedicated to celebrities in trouble with the law.
It includes news and footage of divorce filings, contract disputes, lawsuits, paternity issues, minor traffic violations, and of course, celebrities under arrest and in court.
The current poster child, pardon the pun, is Michael Jackson, who could have an entire 24-hour cable channel dedicated to his odd behavior and courtroom career.
But CJ manages to fill up an entire show with such stories as which famous rapper has been busted for, basically, being stupid in public, and which silicon-injected bimbos are dumping their Botox-addicted hubbies.
While once upon a time we discarded law-breaking famous folk on the trash heap of obscurity, we’ve now reached a place in civilization where we celebrate their scofflaw antics and wallow in their abuses of jurisprudence.
(Another word from our sponsor. You too can own a $19.99 tunic top containing 83 cents worth of fabric. Just look at our dancing girls. Since this newspaper is not equipped with audio, simply hum the song “Bust A Move” to yourself until you can’t resist.)
I just hope they get the Space Shuttle airborne so I can start saving for my one way ticket to Mars before next season’s new shows hit the airwaves, including “Who Wants To Pull The Switch On The Electric Chair” and the hot new game show, “You’ll Put Your Eye Out With That!”
The world is coming to an end.
And it will be broadcast live on “The Simple Surreal Afterlife.”
(Another word from our sponsor. This is Bob. He has overdosed on the little pill and is now chasing the Tunic Top girls like Groucho Marx on a three-day bender…)