Hospital Firsts

Published in the Desert Valley Times
August 16, 2005

There are many advantages to having a new hospital in our community.
The obvious ones have a lot to do with proximity to major supplies of bandages after a close encounter with such things as a cranky lawnmower.
But a new hospital offers another benefit.
It’s the fact that almost every malady qualifies as either “the worst,” “the first,” or “the biggest.”
When a medical center has been around for a long time, like Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles, there’s not much that can even raise a physician’s eyebrow.
“Gall stone the size of a corn dog? Saw it in ’92.”
“Left leg attached to a Buick? Nearly a weekly ritual.”
“Broken arm after getting run over by a juggling bear on a unicycle? 1973, 1986, and twice in 2000 (the Democratic National Convention happened to be in town, remember?)”
Here in our little slice of microwaved Heaven, almost anything you can drag into the pristine Mesa View Regional Hospital Emergency Room will qualify as “one for the books.”
I don’t have access to the MVRH records (the bureaucrats who crafted the HIPAA legislation have no sense of humor when it comes to columnists and medical catastrophes).
However, it’s a pretty safe bet that the title is still available for “biggest hernia,” “first rectal extraction of a gardening implement,” and “largest olive passed through the left nostril while laughing at a CasaBlanca comedian.”
Recently I had a chance to take the crown following a visit to my local doctor.
After looking at a recent battery of blood tests for my diabetes, he informed me that my glycohemoglobin number (whatever that is) was over 14.
He explained that “normal” was around six.
He said it was the highest number he’d ever seen.
I assumed the properly concerned facial countenance expected of someone who had just received bad news.
However, a small voice inside pumped its little fist and exclaimed “Yes! I am number one!”
While I’m now dieting, exercising, and taking a host of funny-shaped pills, I’m still contemplating having the number “14” tattooed on my chest.
Let’s face it, there’s never been a “good” reason to check into a hospital.
Nobody makes an appointment to see the doctor just to announce your daughter is getting married, and guys aren’t lining up to put their insurance to the test because they just shot a 74 at Wolf Creek.
If you’re visiting a health care professional, it’s usually because some part of your body is staging a physiological rebellion (except for childbirth, which is a rebellion that is delayed for about 15 years).
But if you’re going to be sick anyway, you might as well be the best at it.
Don’t settle for that wimpy 102 temperature.
Give the docs something to talk about.
Aim for 106.1.
Be the first patient MVRH has ever treated for scurvy.
And don’t settle for one of those microscopic kidney stones.
Try passing something you can use in your next game of marbles with your grandkids.
No matter what the injury or illness, be sure you can punctuate the tale of your most recent visit with the words “and it was the biggest they’d ever seen!”
Fortunately, with a hospital this new, you can be assured of a “worst,” “first,” or “biggest” title without forcing your doctor too deep into his Physician’s Desk Reference.
And while we’re on the subject, did I tell you about my daughter’s tonsils?...