Restaurant Riposte

Published in the Desert Valley Times
July 19, 2005

One of the topics featured at last week’s City Council meeting was a hearing on a proposed new restaurant.

Well, actually, a new restaurant and bar.

Okay, according to the license sought by the property owner, a new bar and restaurant.

(There’s some contention between the owner and the city over the issue of 51%, but it’s all too technical and financial for my feeble brain.)

Several council members expressed a longing for more eating establishments that are willing to count on their bill of fare for a profit instead of bourbon-driven happy hours and one-armed bandits.

That’s not a slap in the face to the existing restaurants in town, just some out-loud wishful thinking.

Personally, I’m a big fan of most of the local food purveyors.

Just look at my waist line and suspenders.

I’m a BIG fan.

Admittedly, I haven’t had an opportunity to visit all of them yet.

There are a couple of upscale casino restaurants that I haven’t tried.

As a writer, I’m hoping to eventually land a million-dollar book deal for one of my novels.

Once I do, I’m going to give those places a try.

If I get two million dollars, I’ll take my family as well.

I like most of the casino restaurants I can currently afford.

In fact, I haven’t met Victoria, the namesake of Victoria ’s Buffet, but I’ve eaten there so often I’m sure I’ll be mentioned in her will.

I don’t personally know Chuck either, but I suspect he’s Victoria ’s husband, because his Chuck Wagon restaurant is housed in the same building.

I don’t know who the Purple Fez is named after. 

I’m not even precisely sure of what a Purple Fez is, or why it’s purple, or what it has to do with good food, but I know I can attribute at least one of the holes in my belt to their menu.

And for those who don’t know, Tumbleweeds Café is not a salad bar, as any restaurant with the term “weeds” in their name might indicate.

Now the proper thing to do is go on and name all of the other casino restaurants in town, since I’m a devotee of most of those places as well, but I’m out of cute ways to weave their names into this column.

Another thing I don’t understand is the culinary conspiracy that exists here.

What is it with this desert city and clam chowder?

Almost every restaurant in town except the two Chinese food joints serves clam chowder every Friday.

Panda Garden and Canton Chinese probably serve clam chowder as well, but hide it under some name I don’t recognize like Moo Goo Gai Foo Shum Pan Suey.

And those Mexican restaurants that currently refrain from serving this item on Fridays will probably join the conspiracy as soon as they figure out how to fit clam chowder into a folded tortilla shell.

The conspiracy aside, I like most of the eateries here, although I take exception to the term “fast” being used in reference to some of the “fast food” places.

They could more accurately be referred to as “medium speed food,” or on Tuesdays and Fridays as “slow food” places.

But once the burgers and fries or chicken and fries or roast beef and fries or Pannidos and fries arrives, it’s usually pretty darn tasty.

(I’m not sure what a “Pannido” is, but it looks like a food cigar).

While I like and frequent most of the restaurants currently here, it doesn’t stop me from wishing for new additions.

My favorite is Outback Steakhouse, which I hope is on somebody’s drawing board for Mesquite .

I particularly like their restaurant since they’ve changed their seating policy, which was basically “let ‘em stand in line for a couple of hours so they’ll REALLY be hungry once we get around to finding them a table.”

And while I like to drink on occasion, I wouldn’t mind seeing a few more family restaurants make the scene without a list of beers that is longer than the list of appetizers.

(Politically-correct disclaimer:  don’t drink and drive, no one under 21 should drink, drink in moderation, don’t drink if you’re pregnant or planning to operate heavy machinery, or if you’re pregnant AND planning to operate heavy machinery.)

Here’s your news-flash for the day: Mesquite is growing.

As it grows, more restaurants will spring up.

This doesn’t take away from the terrific restaurants we already have, it just expands the options.

And, at least in my case, expands the waist line.

Bon Apetit, y’all!