Car Name Games

I have a pet peeve, an ongoing bone to pick with American car manufacturers.
It’s similar to my take on the downward spiraling movie makers in Hollywood, but I’ll save that for another time (or you can see this week’s movie review at Mesquedia.com).
I hate industrial laziness.
For hundreds of years, Americans have been at the forefront of industry and invention and innovation and a lot of other “ins.”
But lately, the American car manufacturers have become exceedingly lazy in developing new cars.
Mostly, it’s the marketing department, which is so bankrupt of new ideas that they are simply rolling out proud names of past muscle cars and slapping them on poor excuses for automobiles.
Chevy is the leader in this practice.
In the last few years, they have introduced a new Impala, Caprice, Monte Carlo, and Malibu.
None of them even slightly resemble their namesakes from the 1970s.
Even the Corvette now looks more like a poor man’s Ferrari than the proud sports car of the 60s and 70s.
Not to be outdone, Ford is so lazy that they didn’t even bother to come up with the idea of using old names for new cars, they stole that laziness from Chevrolet.
Their latest entry is the Ford 500, which looks like a Taurus on steroids.
Henry Ford’s company is already way behind the pack in developing new cars, a race currently led by Chrysler.
This new entry is, well, it’s an ugly car.
Not as ugly as a Ford Tempo or a terminally woeful Ford Escort, but eminently uglier than the Crown Victoria.
However, to their credit, Ford has actually rolled out new versions of their two best cars, and managed to make them look like their namesakes.
The Thunderbird finally looks like a Thunderbird again, the sexy 1950s version.
It’s a work of automotive art on wheels.
But the coolest, sexiest, unequivocally the best vehicle in their lineup is the 2005 Ford Mustang.
They finally got it right (except for the price tag) after three really bad imitations, circa 1978, 1980, and 1995.
The car looks just like the 1960s version, although that model rolled out at a pretty fair price in 1965, while today’s version begins at a pricey $19,770.
While the ‘Stang is a masterpiece, it’s also an indictment of the Ford designers who haven’t come up with an attractive new auto since Lee Iacocca left them in 1978.
Ford’s Mercury division has also jumped on the bandwagon, using the proud Montego and Monterey names.
The Monterey isn’t even a car!
They’ve slapped the name on a minivan!
The Montego is…well, it’s just another ugly little car.
Come on, Ford, step up!
Get original!
If you can’t come up with a decent design on your own, steal a couple of designers from Chrysler.
I hate that this is now a German-owned car company, but you can’t argue with the fact that Chrysler has designed THE best looking vehicles in America over the last 10 years.
And, until recently, they even managed to come up with fresh names.
There is no cooler car on the planet than the Prowler, followed closely by the Viper.
While Chrysler priced the Prowler out of existence, there’s no denying that their designers are the best.
Another great looking car is the PT Cruiser.
Okay, “PT” isn’t the most impressive effort at naming a car, but at least it’s original.
In fact, the only two re-treads in Chrysler’s inventory is the Chrysler 300, a breathtakingly gorgeous car that deserved its own name, and the new Dodge Charger.
The Charger front end looks like the Dodge Magnum, the coolest station wagon to hit the highway since Chevy’s Nomad in the 1950s.
But for all its racy appearance, it looks nothing like the original Charger, a long, low, mean-looking race machine with a spoiler and a throaty engine.
Chrysler gets a pass because they at least have designed a unique-looking line of cars, but the hard work of their designers should have been rewarded with catchy new names.
In my opinion, President Bush should quit mucking around with Social Security and playing patty cake with North Korea.
There are more important laws that need to be written, like a Federal statute that would make it a capital offense to use a proud old name on crappy new cars, an offense that should be punishable by death.
Or at least a harsh sentence of 20 years behind the wheel of a Ford Escort.