Thick Skin
Workman Chronicles
Published in the Desert Valley Times
June 14, 2005
I came across a message website recently that claimed I was a complete idiot.
They didn’t elaborate as to what I did to earn such a moniker, but it was in print, so it has to be true.
I’m thinking of taking all the labels that have been hung on me since coming out of the literary closet (admitting that I am a Dave Barry wannabe, taking the major pay cut, becoming a professional writer, attacking innocent yearbook kids, and using the ugly slur “adequate” in reference to the local library), and including them on my business card.
You know, like haughty professionals who punctuate their name with PhD, MBA, CPA, etc.
I would be “Morris Workman, Complete Idiot, Arrogant Jerk, Untalented Hack, Dufus, Donkey.”
(I haven’t really been called a Donkey, but this is a family newspaper and I can’t use the “A-word” that my detractor actually used.)
Since it won’t all fit on one card, I may have to abbreviate it as “Morris Workman, CI, AJ, UH, D&D,”
The bad part is that people may not know what all of the initials mean until after I open my mouth.
I’ll admit that it stings to be called such things, but it also allows me a wonderful latitude in behavior.
I can act a fool, then simply point to my title as a Complete Idiot, shrug my shoulders, and say in a perfect Tony Soprano voice, “hey, whattaya gonna do?”
Like most people, I want to be loved by everyone, respected by the powerful, admired by the meek, desired by the voluptuous, and tolerated by my wife.
However, until I finish making payments on my home-study course in hypnosis, I suspect this will have to be an unfulfilled wish.
Like it or not, this is the cost of being a semi-public figure willing to share his musings.
Even such luminaries as Bill Clinton and Pee Wee Herman discovered that, if you put it out there, people will talk bad about you.
Fortunately, I have a good support system of friends, family, and fans that simultaneously keep me grounded and above ground.
I also have a tolerant editor whose litmus test for publication basically consists of “will it get us sued, shot, or shut down?”
He has also counseled me repeatedly not to take it personally when people want to figuratively club me over the head for telling a truth they would rather not know.
I’m sure that even the kid who blabbed about the Emperor not wearing any clothes received hate mail.
So the more I write, the more I need to toughen up.
I want you to keep that in mind the next time you see me in public.
I’m not fat.
It’s just thick skin.
posted by Workman Chronicles at 2:00 AM
5 Comments:
My husband, who actually is Hack (there is no untalented in front of his name), and his golf buddies use a series of intitials when describing each other as they play golf. Because my husband has a high handicap and usually wins money off them, he has a long string of initials after his name. At dinner one night his golfing buddies were reciting them. Not fit to print here, but very effective. I think you should include all your initials and then we can try and figure out what they stand for. Words and names can only hurt you if you let them. It matters most who says them and someone on the internet shouldn't have that power over you. Now when a golfing buddy does it, it's like family.
4:52 AM
I got called a pedophile once after one of my columns.
Of course, the column was about college girls and at the time, my fiance was in college, but I guess the writer of the letter didn't want to let facts get in the way of a good insult.
My coworkers still call me a pedophile. I think they're joking.
6:38 AM
That's a beautiful sentiment, Cindra. "It matters most who says them." I'll have to remember that. Heck, I should have it embroidered on my forearm! And you're right, the ones who hate me most know me the least.
Luke, that's one of my scariest nightmares because this is the world we live in today. I once wrote an line about a parade, where a guy with a sweet Mustang convertible was driving Miss Deaf USA (I'm not making that up), who was 17. I remarked that it was "always the guys with the coolest cars that wind up with the hottest girls." I sweated about that for weeks afterward, just waiting for a call from someone's Mom or an ugly submission to the Shooting Gallery (what I call "Letters to the Editor).
It's hard to try and be funny in a politically correct society.
What cracks me up most, and I'm eventually going to write a column about it, is that whenever someone gets miffed about something I wrote, particularly in the Workman Chronicles or Hard At Play, (which are both Op-Ed columns), they want to attack my "facts."
It's always the same. "Mr. Workman got his facts wrong" or "Mr. Workman didn't get all the facts." I guess the accusations are supposed to be the journalistic equivalent of saying something ugly about my mother.
Whenever I get a chance to meet someone like this face to face, I always press them. "Exactly what facts did I leave out?" Ultimately, it's almost always the "fact" that I didn't present the facts in a light that favors them.
In the beginning of my career, I was so defensive about this. Now I realize that it's just part of the job.
Gabriel, that's a wonderful statement. I appreciate it. I try to always remain humble enough to never think anyone would be jealous of me. (If they saw my paycheck just one time, I think it would put an end to any "jealousy.") To read your supportive words is the true fuel that keeps me doing what I do.
*Morris Workman
7:39 AM
Very good, Alison! It's like the ultimate newspaper irony..."Even getting called bad press is better than not getting called any press at all!"
The website in question was actually a message board that was pretty much set up and dedicated to bashing our newspaper and trying to run our editor out of town.
In a triumphant turn, the TRULY funny ending is that the message board went out of business a few weeks ago. (The folks who were funding the webspace finally pulled the plug.)
I guess, once in a very great while, the good guys DO win!
*Morris
10:45 AM
You also have to remember that people who post quasi-anonymously on message boards do so just to get a reaction. I'd say this constitutes well more than half of all the negative posts you read.
There really is no winner in those 'discussions'-- just the one loser who heckled in the first place.
Or, in the immortal words of Mel Brooks, "I'm surrounded by a$$holes!"
7:39 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home