Diabetic Dreaming

I am a diabetic.
(Sounds like the intro at some twelve-step meeting, huh?)
I don’t usually mention this to people, because I never want to be one of those annoying people who bore people to tears with their litany of maladies.
It’s a genetic gift from my father, who died from diabetes-related complications, which is a kind way of saying they ran out of things to amputate.
But one thing he told me about this illness is true:
If you have to have a dread disease like diabetes, this is the moment in history to have it.
One of the biggest benefits is the scientific advances in the area of artificial sweeteners.
Thanks to Sweet ‘N Low, saccharine, aspartame, Equal, and Splenda, I can eat almost anything that normal people eat.
(Obviously, I also don’t have any politically correctness when it comes to the disease. Nobody needs to handle me like a Faberge’ egg, no need for people to speak in whispers around me, I’m not pitching for a telethon or insisting on some idiotic title like “sugar-challenged.”)
Food manufacturers have also smoothed the road for diabetics with sugar-free sodas, sugar-free ice cream, sugar-free candy, etc.
Any day now, I’m waiting for someone to introduce sugar-free cotton candy and sugar-free Twinkies.
In fact, Splenda is almost the ninth wonder of the world, since it’s basically sugar-free sugar.
These are blessed innovations, particularly since I don’t think they will find a cure for diabetes in my lifetime.
I say this for two reasons.
First, as Chris Rock so eloquently pointed out, doctors aren’t going to do anything that stupid. Doctors, like dope dealers, have learned that the money is in the come-back.
Rock said in one of his videos, “What was the last thing they actually cured? Polio?”
I have to agree with this. In my case, I have had the disease for about 6 years. I know what I need, know what to watch for, know the warning signs and the pre-warning signals.
But my last three doctors have all insisted that I can’t have that three-month prescription (which, until last month, hadn’t changed in over three years), unless I make the quarterly pilgrimage to their office.
They will not find a cure for diabetes because it cuts off a pretty significant revenue stream.
The second reason I know there is no cure on the horizon is President Bush.
Most of the positive reports on diabetic advances point to stem cell research.
Unfortunately, our Prez has a real problem with any medical breakthroughs that involve the use of discarded fetal residue.
Or, as the extreme right wing considers them, the murdered pre-Jesus (since every aborted zygote has the potential to be the next Messiah, in their opinion.)
So while my life will most likely be shortened by the disease, I am grateful for the quality of life that has been made possible by our sugar substitute sorcerers.
To paraphrase the late James Dean, I’ll live fast, die young, and eat plenty of sugar-free Reeses Peanut Butter Cups before I go.