Church Of The HOA

Published in the Desert Valley Times
May 10, 2005

Which homeowners association do you belong to?
It has become almost as important a question in Mesquite as which church you attend.
And like the church, you have a certain contingent of “non-believers” who reside outside the boundaries of any HOA, replete with the snubs and marginalization of second-class citizens.
There are almost as many HOA’s in town as there are churches from which to choose, each with their own dogma and belief structure.
You have the long list of associations north of the Interstate which are offshoots of the Mesquite Vistas project, similar to the litany of divisions under the Protestant umbrella.
Each association has its own way of doing things.
Some believe in a strong authoritarian position, including board presidents who sometimes see themselves as the Pope of their particular PUD.
Others subscribe to more board-ly ways, with every decision balanced by a host of association apostles.
Some even believe in the “live and let live” theology, although those associations are few and far between.
The scariest part of HOA living is similar to believing in certain aggressive religions where zealots rule the day.
At church, zealots will pick up snakes, chastise those who fall short of the Biblical bar, and rail of fire and brimstone for those who don’t believe in the same set of guidelines that he or she holds sacred.
The HOA zealots arm themselves with cameras and violation forms in search of infidels who commit the mortal sins of leaving their trash cans out too long or failing to roll up their garden hoses before nightfall.
Their CC&Rs are their Koran, their Architectural Standards serving as their Bible.
Now, all this vitriol aside, HOA’s, like churches, serve an important function in a civilization.
Without churches, the world would be a sin-filled landscape of unfettered fornication (and even some fettered fornication) and immoral endeavors.
Kinda like Vegas.
Without HOA’s, neighborhoods would be filled with circus-colored houses and wheel-less cars up on blocks.
Admittedly, in wealthy ‘burbs like Calais, the wheel-less cars up on blocks might be Hummers and Cadillac Escalades, but even an $80,000 eyesore is still an eyesore.
And like the religious tribunals of old, every once in a while the associations have to hold hearings for the transgressions of their flock.
There have been no documented reports of stoning, although there have been more than a few witch-hunts rumored over the last few years.
All of this boils down to an essential question:
Are HOA’s un-American?
For over 200 years, men and women have fought and died for your right to paint your house orange.
They call it freedom.
In order to own a home in an association, you have to surrender a certain amount of your freedom.
The trade-off is that your neighborhood will most likely be a clean, beautiful, and safe place to live, filled with friendly and polite neighbors (although, if some of the associations get their way, none of those neighbors will be renters or humans under the age of 55).
As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Those who sacrifice essential liberty for temporary safety are not deserving of either liberty or safety.”
Of course, Ben never lived in a nice three-bedroom two-story villa in Mesquite where the lawn was mowed each week by someone other than the family goat.
He might have objected to that “No kite flying” rule in the CC&R, but I think he would have liked limping along nicely manicured yards under tasteful streetlamps made possible by one of his discoveries.
To be fair, no one holds a gun to the head of prospective home buyers to force them into neighborhoods featuring severe deed restrictions.
And the lower property values of homes outside of HOA neighborhoods is a financial testament to the success of associations where you can paint your house whatever color you want, as long as it’s tan.
So while Mr. Franklin and his cohorts may have won the Revolution back in the 1700’s, the battle over fence height restrictions and lawn ornaments rages on in Mesquite.
Just know that, while you can be leisurely about choosing your religion since you can usually change it with the turn of a steering wheel and an extra gallon of gas, make sure you do your homework before deciding which HOA you will be pledging your allegiance to, since the new flag will likely bear the slogan “Live Free or Pay Your Dues.”