Methane Gas Gambit

The Discovery Channel recently broadcast a documentary about the Bermuda Triangle.
While this is a well-plowed field of superstition, supernatural, and psychobabble about alien landing zones and time travel portals, Discovery’s show actually came up with a scientific answer:
Methane gas.
Also known as “swamp gas,” methane has been heralded as the explanation for UFO sightings, as well as the answer to all of the world’s energy problems.
For those who never heard of methane, it’s the gaseous by-product of the decay process.
In swamps, it’s usually the decomposition of dead fish and grasses.
In humans, it’s the decomposition of Big Macs and any product listed on the menu at Taco Bell.
I’m not a particular fan of sophomoric “fart” jokes, because they show a certain lack of intellectual evolution.
But here is a respected television channel telling us that, basically, the loss of hundreds of ships and planes in the Bermuda Triangle comes down to ocean farts.
By extension, it means that unexplained flashing lights seen in rural areas are actually alien farts.
According to Discovery, there are methane beds beneath the bottom of the ocean in the Atlantic Ocean that are constantly releasing little bubbles of methane.
Once in a while, an underwater landslide occurs, releasing an enormous bubble of the stuff, which is violent enough to break up and sink 500-foot cargo ships.
Further, the large bubble continues to rise into the atmosphere, where it stalls the engines of prop-driven planes and makes the altimeter do funny things.
Personally, I like the idea of a mutant octopus or ocean-borne rips in the space-time continuum way more than methane gas eruptions as a reason for the disappearance of so many ships and planes. I also think they are about as credible.
But it certainly opens the door to the “methane” defense in everyday life.
Why didn’t the electric bill get paid before the lights were shut off?
Methane gas.
Why didn’t you call your wife to tell her that you weren’t going to get home before a quarter-past Tuesday?
Methane gas.
Why is your homework late?
Methane gas.
If this excuse is good enough for a bunch of pointy-heads with big budgets (which they used, among other things, to sink a nice ski-boat with artificial fart bubbles), it should be good enough for your boss.
And you’ll know that the “methane defense” has become a legitimate excuse for every malady in America when Michael Jackson uses it next week to escape molestation charges.
“No, your honor, that wasn’t my hand. Methane gas. Thank you.”