The War On Voter Apathy

Published in the Desert Valley Times
May 31, 2005

It is an unfortunate fact that, unless we’re electing a President or the newest American Idol, too many citizens in this country could care less about voting.
The further down the political totem poll you go, from Federal down to county and city elections, the thinner the voter turnout.
Now we could sit and whine about this, but whining never accomplishes anything unless you’re Jessica Simpson.
What makes this country great is that, instead of doing nothing when faced with a problem like voter apathy, we often rise up, put on our thinking caps, brainstorm, found think tanks, compile lists of suggestions, debate various options, develop focus groups, designate committees, threaten detractors, and THEN do nothing.
In that spirit, I have some suggestions on how to solve this growing dilemma.
First, I have to give credit/blame to Mrs. Susan Bennett, the incredible journalism teacher at our local high school, for suggesting this topic.
I know that there is hope for the future of education in America based on her first suggestion on how to end election apathy:
Threaten to shoot voters.
This isn’t as Lee-Harvey-Oswald as it sounds.
Mrs. Bennett pointed out that this method worked well in Afghanistan and Iraq, where citizens poured into polling stations even after being threatened with death by the various bad guys in those countries.
Voters there braved bullets and car bombs to make their mark.
In our country, we won’t brave a light rain or rush hour traffic to make our voices heard.
She also suggested a new rule where you can’t speak at a City Council meeting, or complain out loud at the coffee shop, unless you can show your “I Voted” sticker.
In addition to encouraging people to vote, it would also cut down those marathon City Council meetings where everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame on cable access channel 46 (which has now been moved to channel nine).
A third concept involves a unique “poll tax,” which would be assessed against anyone who doesn’t show up to vote.
I like this, because the quickest way to influence the behavior of a populace is to threaten their Bingo money.
It also inspired me to come up with some ideas of my own.
Right away, I thought a solution might be to actually pay people to vote.
Unfortunately, I’m afraid we would get sued for patent infringement by the city of Chicago, who founded that concept back in the 30’s.
(For the record, they also hold patents on “Dead People Voting” and the copyrighted election-day phrase “Vote Early, And Vote Often.”)
Of course, when reality isn’t working, turn to reality-TV.
Instead of campaign signs and public debates, we could have the candidates take turns doing silly and death-defying stunts, then instead of voting FOR them, we would vote them off one by one a la Survivor.
Or make the candidates sing, then citizens could phone in on a series of 800 numbers to choose which ones become the next “Mesquite Idol.”
Another idea would be to disguise the voting booths as slot machines, allow folks to make their selection, drop in a quarter, then pull the lever.
(Unfortunately, according to some people in town, no matter which candidate you select, the reels would just come up “Joker, Joker, Joker.”)
If that didn’t work, we could just do away with voting booths altogether.
We would line up the five candidates inside five different dunking tanks such as those you find at the carnival, then hand out baseballs to a line of voters.
The last candidate to stay dry wins.
Frivolity aside, voting is serious business.
We have kids in the Middle East eating sand sandwiches every day while wearing “Shoot Me” signs on their backs, all for the sake of a human’s right to determine his own political destiny.
We owe it to them to show respect for their sacrifices, and those of soldiers who have died before them.
Besides, government studies have shown that failing to vote increases the occurrences of warts, Herpes, sexual dysfunction, memory loss, psoriasis, halitosis, marital infidelity, poor gas mileage, and bling anemia.
So do yourself a favor, one which benefits your friends, neighbors, and insurance agents:
Please vote on June 7.