Shuttle Advice

Published in the Desert Valley Times
August 2, 2005

The space shuttle Discovery finally launched last week after being in the garage for the last two years.

Apparently, the mechanics over at NASA aren’t that hot, since they weren’t able to definitively solve the issue of a balky number-three fuel sensor, and they have discovered since lift-off that a few parts fell off the vehicle during launch.

I once had a 1974 Ford Pinto, so I can relate.

Like Discovery, my Pinto had a bad fuel gauge.

I’m sure the eggheads at NASA tried the "tap on it with a pair of pliers" trick, which usually did it for my car.

And like the shuttle, I occasionally had parts falling off my Pinto, usually pretty innocuous things like mufflers and drive shafts.

But it’s what you expect from a vehicle that’s over 20 years old.

I don’t know why NASA has that surprised look on their face when they light the candle on a bird that was built in 1983, and stuff starts going wrong.

Think about it…any of you still driving a car that old which DOESN’T have malfunctions and missing pieces?

And we’re talking about a shuttle design that was developed in the 1970s, back when advanced propulsion systems consisted of an Acme rocket strapped to a coyote.

I used to drive an older car that had over 100,000 miles on it.

Occasionally, there would be something leaking out of it that might have been oil, or could have been liquid hydrogen.

So it shouldn’t come as any great shock to NASA that their vehicle, which has a couple of million miles on its odometer, might have a few rattles under its hood and a few rips in its upholstery.

As a devoted American and Patriot, I’m now going to offer a few suggestions to the boys and girls in Cape Canaveral about proper repair and maintenance techniques for 20-year-old vehicles, free of charge.

(Are you getting the irony here? A forty-something humor writer is going to give tips to rocket scientists? My mother would be so proud!)

First, let me say two words:

Duct tape (also known as "duck tape").

You have insulation coming off your exterior tank?

Duck it!

The duct tape would also work great for those pesky heat tiles that keep falling off.

And if you can’t find the electrical short in the fuel sensor, there’s always electrical tape.

Let me give you step-by-step instructions on how to fix it.

1. Cut about an inch and a half of the black electrical tape off the roll.

2. Carefully take the strip of tape into the command module

3. Place the tape over the red "Fuel Level Low" light so you can’t see it flashing anymore.

Wasn’t that easy?

I also have additional repair techniques available that involve baling wire and old coffee cans, but I’m running out of space here.

The best advice I can give is the one I employed when my Pinto got old.

Here it is:

Visit your nearest used space shuttle dealer.

Discovery is past its prime.

It’s time to trade her in.

Take the fuzzy dice off the rear view mirror and peel that "Aerosmith" sticker off the left wing.

We’re talking about the safety of seven brave souls and the pride of a nation here.

We can do better than the space-bound equivalent of a 1974 Ford Pinto.

(Although I must admit, I still miss those mag wheels.)

If you can’t find a used shuttle dealer, simply drag Discovery over here and leave it parked on the street overnight in one of the seedier neighborhoods of Las Vegas.

I’m sure Uncle Sam has insurance.

Let the "Good Hands" people buy you a new one.

The bottom line is that it’s time to pull Discovery out of rotation.

And for the next shuttle, could we see something in a metal-flake blue with spinners?