HOA Kindness Goes MIA

Published in the Desert Valley Times
August 23, 2005

You know it’s a bad day when I start quoting Rodney King.
But if I had my way, the CC&Rs for every homeowners association in Mesquite would begin with the line, “Can’t we all just get along?”
Unfortunately, the answer too often is “No!”
(Notice the exclamation point? Not just a “No.” but a “No!”)
The latest example comes from a little development out past Primex that I’ll refer to as “Encampment.”
Apparently, the homeowners from this particular fiefdom are tired of Joe Citizen using their private lanes as thoroughfares to Turtleback.
This is a reasonable expectation, since it is a private road which they paid for and maintain with their dues.
Unfortunately, their discontent has expanded.
So far, they have hammered the mayor.
They have complained to the city council.
They have threatened to write ugly letters to offending businesses.
Any day now, neighbors are expecting the association to institute a draft in order to raise an army.
Patriot missiles and nuclear weapons are sure to follow.
Okay, maybe the Patriot missiles are an exaggeration.
After all, the association can’t seem to come up with enough money to install a coded gate, which would appear to be the most rational solution.
If they can’t afford an automatic gate, advanced anti-ballistic weaponry might be a stretch unless somebody has an uncle at Raytheon.
But it’s no exaggeration that the problem has the potential to disrupt the harmony of a community that prides itself on the kindness of its citizenry.
While armored tanks and M-16s haven’t come into play yet, several of the residents of “Encampment” have armed themselves with video cameras to record the offending vehicles that dare to drive through their neighborhood without permission, while others jot down license plate numbers of unfamiliar cars wandering through their parking lots.
This is a dangerous precedent.
What if every neighborhood adopted this tactic?
I can envision gun turrets atop sand-bagged privacy walls and higher association fees to fund sophisticated radar networks.
Various developments would fire off missives to the heads of other associations, threatening them with attack if they don’t keep their homeowners out of those PUDs.
“Welcome to Mesquite” signs would be ripped down and replaced with border markers bearing slogans like “Keep Out! Trespassers will be filmed, documented, and generally made to feel like interloping Muslims at a Bar Mitzvah!”
Board meetings would become treaty negotiations.
It’s the bane of all small countries headed by power-hungry despots with too much time on their hands.
(The whole Iraq thing could have been avoided if Saddam had just taken up a hobby.)
This community has worked too hard to earn the reputation of being a friendly place to let a few zealots ruin it.
To the HOA presidents and board members who insist on patrolling their communities each morning with clipboards in search of unrolled garden hoses and visitors “vizout zere paperz!” I would offer this simple advice:
Get a life.
For those communities headed by their own little Idiot Amins who are too clueless to figure out how to do that, I would recommend a nice quiet coup d’etat at your next board meeting.
When it comes to HOA tyrants, “Just Say No.”
Let’s go back to being a nice town where people are allowed to borrow each other’s roads without fear of reprisals.
Let’s get that Magic back.