A Job Well Done

Published in the Desert Valley Times
September 6, 2005

I believe that Benjamin Franklin once wrote “A job well done never need be done again.”
Even if he didn’t write it, he’s a dead public figure, so I’m going to blame him.
Franklin is without a doubt my favorite American, and not just because I’ve heard a rumor that he happens to be on the one-hundred dollar bill.
(I work for the DVT, so I’ve never actually seen a hundred dollar bill.)
While nearly everything Franklin uttered or scrawled was a genuine pearl, I’m afraid old Ben missed the mark by a Philadelphia mile on this one.
There are a lot of tasks that, regardless of how well you do them, you’re going to have to do them again.
Below, I’ve included a list of some of those endless activities.
- Mowing The Lawn. Even if you’re the Michaelangelo of the Briggs and Stratton, the lawn you mowed yesterday will need to be mowed tomorrow. I’m not sure they even had “lawns” back in Franklin’s day, much less lawnmowers. I believe yards back then were called “pastures,” and their lawnmower usually made that “baaaaa” noise and gave wool once a year.
- Taking A Shower. This is something I know about. If there was an Olympic Showering event, my family would be gold medallists. Personally, because I live with three females, I am the amateur sprint showering champion. My wife excels at “power showering,” completing more tasks in one watering than any three carpenters. And one of my daughters would be the all time professional shower marathoner, with showers that seem to last longer than the terms of some presidents. No matter how good those showers may be, another one is always needed tomorrow.
- Cooking. I don’t care if you’re talking about the illegitimate love child of chef Wolfgang Puck and home-making impresario Martha Stewart, that luscious lunch is only going to satisfy for about eight hours. Five in my house. Three when I’m off my diet.
- Cleaning Up After Children Or Husbands. The only way Ben’s statement can be true here is if you simply accept the fact, as many valiant home makers do, that it’s not a series of jobs but one long unending job that lasts until your kids graduate and move out, and your husband takes up golf.
- Doing The Dishes. I almost have this one figured out with the cunning use of paper plates and plastic forks. It’s that “disposable Tupperware on the stove” thing that keeps blowing the deal.
- Laundry. The only way you don’t have to repeat a load of laundry is if you throw the clothes away after you wear them. But that would require a job well paid rather than a job well done.
- Going To The Bathroom. Again, I’m the Charlie Daniels of the toilet seat, but even my best efforts have to be repeated three to four times a day. Ten to twelve times after a visit to Taco Bell.
- Sex. Like the old joke says, “Once a king, always a king, but once a knight is not enough.”

Again, Benjamin Franklin is the epicenter of such philosophical bon mots as “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”
Unfortunately, when it comes to this particular idiom, Mr. Franklin needs to try again.

School Names

Published in the Desert Valley Times
September 2, 2005

Sometimes I wonder how schools arrive at their official “school names.”
I have a suspicion that it often involves a thesaurus and a set of darts.
For example, how did a school smack dab in the middle of a desert, a thousand miles from the nearest ocean, come up with the name “Pirates?”
I’m not slamming Moapa Valley, the reigning 3A Southern Conference football champions, just asking a question.
Similarly, what does the unique community of Pahrump Valley have to do with Troy?
I’m not sure how Trojans relate.
Faith Lutheran is pretty bold in their team name, “Crusaders.”
Obviously, they don’t have a lot of Muslim students, since the Crusades are kind of a prickly issue with folks of that religion, but as a private school they are less susceptible to the ever-changing winds of political correctness.
I like that.
Boulder City has a pretty innocuous name.
It’s doubtful that any Sierra Club members are ready to take on the Clark County School District over the name “Eagles,” although it might make their agenda once they finish making SUVs illegal and complete the task of banning all human beings from any national park.
Some folks might question the source of our own beloved educational institute.
I’ll bet there’s a good story behind how the Bulldog became our mascot and namesake, even though I don’t often see that particular breed of dog watering the landscapes of the various HOAs.
I don’t think there’s anything in the CC&Rs prohibiting a specific breed, although dogs in general might be precluded from residing in some of our more upscale or anal PUDs.
I know that children and renters are outlawed in some of them, so I guess anything is possible.
Regardless of the origin, our name is actually rather fitting, particularly when referencing our football team.
The VVHS varsity, JV, and freshman squads are ferocious and tenacious, and their bite is infinitely worse than their bark.
Unless you’re from Dixie, you don’t want to mess with an angry bulldog.
Some schools are currently in danger of losing their long held and deeply cherished monikers.
The NCAA has taken on the nut-job task of outlawing all college mascots and team names that refer to any form of Native American.
This means the probable end to such proud names as the Seminoles, Fighting Illini, Chiefs, Braves, Redskins, and Indians.
Like most politically-correct undertakings, I’m certain this will escalate and spin out of control.
Eventually, some group of outraged retired swashbucklers will petition the No Common-sense Anal-retentive Association to ban Pirates, Buccaneers, and Raiders from the helmets of innocent schools everywhere.
Then will come the vitriol from the descendants of Troy who will apply similar pressure to stop Pahrump Valley and the University of Southern California from using their heritage for a mascot.
See how ridiculous this can get?
Fortunately, since Virgin Valley doesn’t use a human mascot, our logo should remain intact.
That is, of course, until those lunatics at PETA find out.
As soon as they finish running rodeos out of existence and outlawing the use of silk for clothing (after all, those poor innocent silkworms are being exploited for the benefit of nasty old humans), I suspect we’ll be seeing Pamela Anderson picketing in front of VVHS, complete with her silicone “assets,” which she can proudly boast are 100% devoid of any living material.
Until then, we can continue to show up for Friday night football games and cheer for our boys.
Go Bulldogs!