Publikin Backlash

A wise man once said that the easiest way to get through life without an argument is to never discuss politics or religion.

I swear to God the guy was probably right.

I’m about to open up an ugly, smelly can of worms that will polarize readers, offend members of both parties, and in some bizarre way contribute to global warming.

(I’ve often thought that if the environmentalists would just shut up about it, the reduction in hot air from their silence would eliminate the Earth’s rising temperature.)

For my Republican friends, I think that snapping sound you just heard was the crack of a camel’s back being broken by the last straw.

The straw’s name is Abramoff.

Back when Brother Clinton was in office, the ‘Publikins couldn’t stop wringing their hands and salivating at the prospect of the 2000 elections.

After eight years of White Water, Gennifer Flowers, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Not Inhaling, and finally Monica-gate, the elephant party was practically wetting their pants in anticipation of capitalizing on all of Big Bill’s improprieties.

(They could have cashed in on Clinton’s follies sooner, but the likable lug kept bailing himself out with such annoyingly unimportant political tactics as maintaining a vibrant economy, balancing the budget, reducing the deficit, and not invading any Middle Eastern countries whose names start with vowels.)

The payoff was enormous.

A country which had tired of the obviously deficient collective morals of the donkey party (I didn’t make that up…the logo for the Democrats is an ass, and was the logo LONG before Clinton got into office) decided that conservatism had to be better.

So we elected a Republican president.

Sort of.

There are zealots in the Democratic party who are still secretly counting ballots in Palm Beach in hopes of finding spelling errors.

We’ve been unable to confirm the rumor that they have engaged psychic John Edward in hopes of proving that, while someone may have punched a hole in the card for Bush, a quick mindreading session indicates that the person really meant to vote for…whoever that Democratic candidate was in 2000.

(It’s been a while, and I can’t remember his name. Which just confirms the old saw that history never remembers the losers.)

The backlash continued, as Americans also voted in a ‘Publikin majority in the house, the Senate, and the first season of American Idol.

(We’re not sure Kelly Clarkson is a ‘Publikin, but that frizzy-haired goofy guy named Justin just HAD to be a Dumocrat.)

So the U.S. got their conservative majority across the board in hopes of improving the honor and integrity of our government.

Then questions began to arise about whether the new top dog actually showed up for his National Guard duty in the 70s.

To show that his military record was above reproach, Mr. President went right out and bombed Afghanistan.

(Sort of like a guy that has his sexuality challenged then goes out and shoots small furry animals with a high-powered rifle as proof of his machismo.)

Most Americans applauded the attack on Afghanistan.

After some turban-turd knocked down our twin towers, we needed to kick SOMEBODY’s ass, and they looked like a good candidate.

During the fracas, Top Dog promised to find Osama Bin Laden, the head baddie.

Apparently, Bush hired the same detective agency that O.J. Simpson used to find Nicole’s “real killers,” because nobody has seen hide nor hair of either offender.

A few years later, Bush apparently received some intel from that same detective agency about some weapons of mass destruction.

With his popularity numbers fading and another election just around the corner, Mr. National Guard decided to drop bombs on somebody else.

Once again, like Bin Laden, we didn’t find the WMD’s.

I’m not saying Bush is a bad president.

I’m just saying that he sucks at “hide and seek.”

Americans have been growing tired of repeated incidents where our elected leader said we were going to do something, then we didn’t.

“We’re going to find Osama Bin Laden and bring him to justice…”

“We’re going to find those weapons of mass destruction and bring somebody to justice…”

“I did not have sex with that woman…”

(Whoops, wrong president.)

Now in the old days, to say we were going to do something and then not do it would be called a “lie,” but political correctness precludes the use of such terms in the 21st century.

(GORE! That’s the guy’s name! The one who Bush beat in 2000. I knew it would come to me!)

Anyway, it isn’t just the President who is having problems with honesty.

That ‘Publikin congressional majority has turned out to be a pretty bad idea as well.

First, Speaker of the House Gingrich got caught with his Newt in a place it didn’t belong.

Then Tom DeLay, the House Majority Leader, was indicted for playing patty-cake with his PAC funds.

In September, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist was accused of pulling a Martha Stewart, selling stocks based on insider information.

Now, it turns out that a lobbyist named Jack Abramoff has been playing a real-life version of the board game “Monopoly,” but instead of buying properties, he’s been buying up Congressmen and Senators.

(I’m not sure how you put a red hotel on a Senator, but Backslap Jack could figure a way.)

Apparently, Mr. Abramoff had a particular fondness for ‘Publikin officials.

Current House Speaker Dennis Hastert has admitted to accepting green (as opposed to the orange, yellow, and blue money used in the board game version), although he won’t admit he did anything to earn the grease.

Tom DeLay was apparently so deep in Abramoff’s pocket that he could scratch Jack’s knee on command.

With Abramoff pleading guilty to charges earlier this week, then agreeing to blow the whistle on everybody he ever bribed, er, made contributions to, ‘Publikins are scrambling like high-heeled waiters on the iced and canted deck of the Titanic after the iceberg.

Over the next few months, you’re going to see more high-speed foot action in the nation’s capitol than ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” as lawmakers try to tango around the truth and save their jobs.

But I suspect the American people have had enough.

I’m not much of a betting man (I actually started the season believing the Cowboys would make it to the Super Bowl), but I’d be willing to lay a sizeable wager that America won’t be featuring a one-party system in the House and Senate after the next election.

I’m also convinced that we’ve seen our last elephantine president for a decade or two, unless the ‘Publikins are smart enough to finally let John McCain, Congress’s last honorable man, stand on the ticket.

Or the donkey’s are dumb and stubborn enough that they insist on nominating a more testicled Clinton in ’08.

Those caveats aside, the GOP should brace for the deserved House cleaning that is on the way.

And learn how to spell “minority” in their next mythical “Ethics” class.