NFL-Free Network Lunacy

It’s hard to believe that I’m old enough to remember the “Heidi Game.”

For those too young to remember Joe Namath back when women were debasing themselves trying to get a kiss from him, instead of the other way around, the “Heidi Game” was the 1968 football game between the New York Jets and the Oakland Raiders.

The Jets were leading 32-29 with 1:05 remaining on this November day.

Following a timeout, one of the eggheads at NBC thought it would be a good idea to switch the broadcast over to the movie “Heidi” instead of back to the end of the game.

In that 1:05, the Raiders scored two touchdowns and won 43-32.

The outcry from enraged football fans reverberated through the halls of the Peacock channel for years to come.

But it seems the doofus brigade at NBC spent too much time in front of the boob tube and not enough time in the classroom, because they never learned what my seventh-grade civics teacher used to pound into our heads daily:

Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

(Back then, I thought it was a more-than-subtle warning that if you couldn’t remember when the War of 1812 was fought, chances were good you would be taking his history class again next year.)

NBC has apparently forgotten the wrath and punishment meted out for incompetent networks who think they can pull the plug on the gridiron altar.

A few years back when the Fox network got into the game of bidding for NFL broadcast rights, pushing the cost nearly to Ralph Kramden’s figurative moon, CBS decided they could do without John Madden et al.

Within three years, CBS was at the bottom of the ratings cesspool while Fox found legitimacy on the broadcast landscape.

Three years ago, NBC made the same boneheaded decision, believing the Olympic snooze-fest would be enough to keep them sailing along in first place on the winds of Seinfeld and Friends.

Now, Seinfeld is gone.

Friends is gone.

NFL is gone.

And NBC is in the toilet ratings-wise, their best show barely beating the 3 a.m. kitchen knife sale on the Home Shopping Network.

It’s no accident.

Without football, particularly in the critical November sweeps, a network cannot stay afloat.

CBS, which is now in first place and boasts six of the top 10 shows on television, has learned their lesson.

NBC would be without a single top 10 show if not for “Law and Order: Ad Nauseum.”

So now ABC wants a reminder of life without the NFL.

Like Fox, ABC was the ugly stepsister of the network triumvirate for years until they scored a major coup with Monday Night Football in 1970.

Before long, the American Broadcasting Company was finally acknowledged as a real network.

Next year, the dorks at ABC are going to try the NBC dance, giving up their rights to a 35-year football institution.

Yeah, that “Desperate Housewives” thing is going to fill the gap nicely.

Not.

Mark your calendar, and tell everyone you heard it here first.

In 2010, NBC is going to bid about 80 kajillion dollars to get the NFL back on their network, and will throw in Al Roker and a small country to be named later in order to seal the deal.

ABC will try to mortgage Euro-Disney and put Minnie Mouse on a Las Vegas street corner wearing Daisy Dukes and a see-through Simpsons T-shirt, but it won’t be enough to lure the NFL back to their lame excuse for a network.

Meanwhile, Fox will continue to pay Terry, Howie, Jimmy, and JB obscene amounts of money to keep the NFL’s best pre-game show alive, and will finance their salaries by continuing to show night after night of insipid prime-time cartoons so they don’t have to pay real actors.

They may be stupid at Fox, and believe their audience is as well, but they’re not insane.