Early Christmas Beef

It seems that every entity with a cash register and a tax ID number is currently offering their Christmas wares.
For those of you who are calendar challenged, let me give you a hint: It’s barely November.
Every year, it seems that stores trot out their Christmas merchandise earlier and earlier.
Next year, I’m expecting to see dancing Santa Claus figures next to the fireworks display at Wal Mart.
I understand that stores want to hurry their biggest selling season, but I’m tired of wading through shelf after shelf of Christmas wrapping paper and fuzzy red stockings while looking for the suntan lotion.
By the time of Santa’s annual arrival, I am nearly sick of the entire holiday.
Christmas carols over shopping mall sound systems have become equivalent to nails raked across a holly-tree-green chalk board.
The guy with the fake beard and jolly belly has become like a member of the family, since I’ve seen him more often than my Uncle Harvey.
For Christmas, I may buy my kids an electric stomach pump to save them from that overdose of red and white striped candy that they’ve been munching for the last 75 days.
And I’m going to apply for a hunting license so that I can legally shoot Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer every time that annoying Rankin Bass special comes on my TV.
(I don’t know what the bag limit is for Rudolph, but I figure I can easily use up a carton of 25 shotgun shells in one Christmas season.)
Since there are no signs that the retailing industry can rein themselves in, and our legislators are once again asleep at the switch and completely useless, I guess we’ll have to rely on that favored American pastime to get some control over this insanity.
Somebody is going to have to sue somebody.
I suspect the turkey people may be first in line at their favorite neighborhood bar (and I don’t mean the place where you can get rum-laced eggnog).
It’s reaching the point where people don’t have any money for their Thanksgiving Day bill of fare, since they already blew it on Playstation 16 and Ashlee Simpson’s latest sing-along production.
Or maybe the ACLU can file discrimination papers, since the Christian holiday of Christmas is obviously infringing on the rights of ghosts, goblins, and Freddy Kruger wannabes.
Personally, my money is on the Sierra Club lunatics.
Once they find out how many artificial trees have been cut down from the artificial rain forest, leading to artificial erosion and loss of artificial habitat for stuffed rabbits and teddy bears, it’s likely that an injunction will hit the Christmas industry so fast that it will make their ornaments spin.
Really, I’m not a Scrooge, and “Bah Humbug” is not part of my daily vernacular.
However, I’m getting tired of being forced to pass out frankincense and myrhh to trick or treaters because the Halloween candy, which was put on shelves in August, was pulled out of the store in mid October to make room for that adorable little zucchini nativity scene.
A movement has started aimed at putting “Christ” back into “Christmas.”
I’d be happy if they could just get Christmas back into December where it belongs.