Necktie Blues

Published in the Desert Valley Times
September 27, 2005

I miss neckties.

For our younger readers who have probably never seen one, a necktie was a piece of cloth men used to wrap around their throats and drape across the front of their long-sleeve button-down shirts.

In a future column, I’ll probably explain that long-sleeve button-down shirts used to come in lots of colors that weren’t plaid.

Believe it or not, neckties were an accoutrement of fashion, and used to change shape and width more often than Oprah.

They were usually worn by people attending functions that involved a church such as weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, and high-stakes Bingo.

Ties were also worn regularly by doctors, lawyers, teachers, and other professionals as a statement of social and intellectual superiority which said “I’m smarter than you because I know how to make a Windsor knot.”

It made life a little easier, because you could tell the difference between the guy who was going to remove your pancreas and the guy who was going to offer you fries with that burger.

Today, the caste system reinforced by the necktie has been eliminated by the emergence of the polo shirt.

Everyone wears polo shirts in this era, including accountants, police officers, surgeons, insurance agents, and sanitation engineers.

Unfortunately, the polo shirt has also doomed the hippie movement, because it’s tough to figure out exactly who is “The Man” when corporate executives are adorned in the same collared t-shirt as the guy carrying the “Make cookies, not war” protest sign.

(Again, for our younger readers, “The Man” was a sixties euphemism for the Establishment, or those in authority. “The Man” is not to be confused with “Da Man,” who is usually a superior golfer or athlete, as in “You da man!”)

I must admit that I miss wearing ties.

When I was in the business world a few years ago, I proudly wore multi-hued ties as part of my corporate battle armor.

Again, it was easier to discern a company’s pecking order based on the ties worn.

The lower-level flunkies usually wore red and blue diagonally striped ties.

As I ascended the corporate ladder, stripes gave way to more intriguing patterns.

When I reached upper-level management, my ties often involved cartoon characters like Bugs and Tweety.

(Only the boss could get away with such frivolity. Yes, they were wild and swinging times.)

Ties were also handy at lunch time.

Depending on your skill in making lunch selections based on the color and pattern of your tie, you could spill almost anything on it and still make that afternoon presentation with confidence.

Obviously, this is why I preferred the period when wide ties were in fashion.

The only down side to wearing ties came if you were a) color blind or b) your wife didn’t dress you every morning.

You could tell the guys in either category because their orange ties with large green polka dots would clash with their blue and purple striped shirts.

I also miss the 80’s, when “power ties” were in fashion.

Of course, it took me a few months to figure out that a “power tie” was one that featured a single bold color like canary yellow, and not an adornment that required several AAA batteries to power the flashing lights and the electronic “Jingle Bells” tune.

Eventually, like all fashion trends, ties will make a comeback.

I’m hoping that we’ll one day return to a world where NASA scientists wear ties and crew cuts while launching space vehicles that don’t shed parts like a 1978 Chevy Chevette, and business leaders wear three-piece suits to places other than their sentencing.

When they do, me and my Taz tie will be ready.