Reporter Decked During Game

Published in the Desert Valley Times
September 29, 2005

During Friday’s JV football game between Virgin Valley and Faith Lutheran, a member of the local media patrolling the sideline was upended in an unfortunate out-of-bounds incident.

The sports reporter, who shall remain nameless due to concerns about dignity, the potential for embarrassment to his family, and Federal HIPAA regulations, was wiped out during the fourth quarter of the game.

He was toppled when VVHS quarterback Doug Hafen was hammered out of bounds by a Faith Lutheran defender.

The two JV players hit the intrepid newspaper writer full force, knocking him flat on his prodigious behind.

A flag was thrown on the play.

Contrary to initial reports, the penalty was for a late out-of-bounds hit on Hafen, and not a “Roughing The Photographer” foul.

According to sources, it was the first time the former varsity offensive lineman had been pancaked since 1977, when he was flattened by an all-county linebacker in the annual Havre de Grace-Aberdeen High School football grudge match between the two northeast Maryland institutions.

Following the collision, a quick inspection of the adjacent running track was conducted.

Since there were no cracks or dents in the track surface, it was ascertained that the reporter’s head never came in contact with the asphalt.

While there were no injuries reported, or at least none that the writer would admit to, one page of the Reporter’s Notebook sustained a fatal tear, and an emergency mud extraction was required for a camera lens.

Adding insult to injury, the downed photographer didn’t get the shot on film.

Immediately following the collision, the writer jumped up laughing.

Trainers were initially concerned about a possible head injury, but were unable to determine how much brain damage existed prior to the incident.

The writer remained on the sideline throughout the rest of the JV contest, and continued to prowl the Virgin Valley side of the field through the varsity game, although he was occasionally heard muttering about a truck and stars.

In a statement released by the pummeled pundit, the collision will be remembered as one of the highlights of his Mesquite career.

“I’m embarrassed to have been knocked down by a couple of JV players. I mean, I know the ‘Dawgs hit hard, but, I’m a big guy. I’d have thought it would have taken at least a couple of varsity beefeaters to bring me down.

“However, I’m honored to have been hammered by Doug Hafen. A few years from now, I expect to be watching college football on TV, and I’ll be proud to brag to everyone else in the nursing home day room that I was once plowed by USC’s starting quarterback.”

In lieu of flowers, well-wishers and fans are encouraged to forward their donations to the “Let’s Install Air Bags In The Fat Guy’s Suspenders” fund.

The reporter is expected to return to the sidelines in time for the Oct. 7 VVHS home game against Boulder City.

According to sources, he will be the only member of the local media clad in shoulder pads and a DVT helmet.