Thanksgiving Day Parade

“Welcome to DBC’s coverage of the annual Spacy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
“First, we’d like to take a moment to offer our thanks for the many blessings we have received, namely the opportunity to show three hours of non-stop commercials under the guise of a parade.
“Now, before we actually get to the parade, we’re going to cut to our on-the-street hosts who are going to banter and pretend they like each other, which is probably the best performance you’re going to see today.”
“Thanks, Hal. I’m Brat Lower and I’m here with Fady Borinc to bring you an event that epitomizes the American spirit, namely lots of commercials.
“If you look over our shoulder, you’ll see a big yellow float.
“Ignore it. We’re going to.
“Instead, we’d like to interview Razz Matazz, who is starring in the upcoming movie ‘Gone With The Wind 2: Rhett Gives A Damn.’
“Razz, it’s great to see you here.”
“Thanks, Brat. Come see my movie. I’d like to say more, but I can’t really carry on a conversation without a teleprompter, so…come see my movie.”
“There you have it folks. Now, we’re going to take you to a pre-recorded song and a stilted dance number by frozen performers to promote a tedious Broadway show nobody in the rest of the country is ever going to see, but it will entice locals to flock to the theatre, so here is the cast of ‘Everyone Should Be Les Miserable.’”
Following a tiresome presentation where the “singer” offers the worst lip-synch job since Ashlee Simpson’s visit to Saturday Night Live, Brat and Fady throw it to an anorexic weatherman, ignoring the irony of a guy with an eating disorder celebrating a holiday built around feasting.
“Thanks, Hal. By the way, you’re really looking good since that surgery to remove your large and small intestines, stomach, spleen, liver, and a kidney. Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.
“Okay, we’re going to take a 15-minute break to show you a real parade, which is the endless cavalcade of commercials lined up to empty your pockets and fill ours. We’ll be back when we run out of sponsors.”
Following 20 minutes of commercials for such holiday products as Depends and Crapital Won, encouraging you to overspend again this holiday season, Brat and Fady return.
“Behind us, you can see a gang of people with instruments from some school, but we have more important stuff to show you, beginning with an excerpt from this Tuesday’s new comedy ‘Bite Me In A Bikini’ right here on DBC.”
After a three minute clip of a girl in a swimsuit explaining all the ways her CEO dad is a moron, Brat and Fady return to the screen.
“Looks like a winner, wouldn’t you say, Brat?”
“It sure does, Fady. Speaking of winners, I love the snow and skiing that comes with every winner season, which leads us to talk about the Winner Olympics, coming up somewhere in Europe.
“Fortunately, you can catch every uninspiring, boring moment of the Ukranian curling team and plenty of folks who aren’t Americans winning the gold right here on DBC.”
“Okay, Brat, we were going to send it back down to Hal, who’s standing by with the stage manager for the Rolling Stones, who we couldn’t get on our show because our producers have a rule against inviting anyone who actually has talent.
“However, Hal’s currently being blocked by some fat guy in a red suit riding a fake sleigh, so we’ll wait until he moves along before sending it back to the street.”
“Right you are, Fady. So, while we have this extra time to fill, let’s continue to ignore the big balloon Underdog floating by and talk about your kids. How’s that rehab coming along?”
The next 10 minutes are filled with inane stories about past holidays that you know are made up by writers from dysfunctional families, which are basically vignettes ripped off from “Miracle on 34th Street” and Ralphie’s “A Christmas Story.”
We hope you enjoyed this year’s broadcast.
Our accountants sure did!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!